From chat to call: why a phone call clarifies more than fifty messages

You have been messaging for two weeks. The messages are friendly, sometimes witty, yet one question remains: What is this person really like? Not on paper, but in conversation.

Precisely at this point, many reach for the keyboard instead of the phone. This is understandable, as a call feels like a bigger step. However, research quite clearly indicates that this feeling is deceptive. In this article, we show what a phone call can achieve that fifty messages cannot, when the right time for it is, and how you can suggest the call without catching someone off guard.

This article directly follows our guide How long should you message before meeting? The phone call is the step in between.

What the research says

In 2021, Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley investigated how people choose to communicate with each other in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General. In a field experiment, 200 individuals were asked to contact an old acquaintance, either by phone or email. Two-thirds preferred to write. While they expected a call to create more connection, they considered it too uncomfortable.

Then they were randomly assigned. The result: Those who called felt significantly closer to the other person afterward, and it was not awkward. The feared difference in awkwardness was simply not measurable. The time argument also fell away, as both groups took almost exactly the same amount of time, around seventeen minutes.

In a second experiment, strangers discussed personal questions via text chat, voice chat, or video. Again, participants felt closer to their conversation partners when using voice, without it becoming more uncomfortable. And video offered no additional benefit compared to a pure voice call. It is apparently the voice itself that makes the difference, not the image. A caveat: The participants in these experiments were, on average, significantly younger than our readership. However, the mechanism described is not a matter of age.

Justin Kruger already showed in 2005 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology why text reaches its limits here: Without emphasis, pace, and tone, tone and intent are difficult to convey — and most people thoroughly underestimate this problem. We read our own message with the tone of voice we intended in our heads. The other person does not have this tone of voice.

The tipping point is two and a half to three weeks

Most illuminating for our question is a study by Artemio Ramirez and his team, published in 2015 in the Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication. 433 people who had met someone through a dating platform and subsequently met in person were surveyed. The average age was around 40.

The result is an inverted U-curve: A short phase of messaging improved the subsequent meeting, while a long one worsened it. This applied to four out of five dimensions examined, including perceived closeness, ease, and the assessment of whether something could develop from it. The authors estimate the tipping point at 17 to 23 days, or two and a half to three weeks. Those who only message for longer do not gain additional security but build an image from which the real person then deviates.

And another finding from the same study fits our topic perfectly: Those who had used more different channels before the meeting, i.e., in addition to the platform, also phone, video chat, or messages, subsequently reported more closeness and ease during the meeting. This is a correlation and not proof of cause and effect, but it points in the same direction as everything else.

Why this is the case

One explanatory approach that fits these findings well: A long period of messaging creates an image. You fill the gaps between messages with your own assumptions, usually positive ones. The longer this lasts, the more complete this image becomes — and the more certainly the real person will deviate from it.

A call interrupts this process early. You hear pace, pauses, humor, whether someone is listening or waiting for their turn. None of this is in a message, and all of it helps decide whether a meeting is worthwhile.

The right time

As a rule of thumb: after a few days of regular exchange, at the latest after two weeks, and in any case before the first meeting. This keeps you well before the tipping point, which research places at around two and a half weeks.

A good occasion usually arises naturally: when a topic becomes too long for typing, when a meeting is to become concrete, or when you notice that both of you are starting to type novels.

How to suggest the call

Don’t ambush, but arrange. A call without prior notice puts the other person under pressure, as they might be on a train or have visitors.

Three phrases that work:

• “I would love to hear your voice. Does tomorrow evening at seven for twenty minutes work for you?”
• “I’m typing my fingers raw about this topic. Shall we have a quick call?”
• “Before we meet, I would like to speak once. When does it suit you?”

Regarding your number: You don’t have to give out your phone number immediately. The easiest way is a voice or video call via the platform or a messenger. In Switzerland, you can also suppress your own number for a single call by placing #31# directly before the number. Consider the side effect: Many people generally do not answer anonymous calls. The platform route is therefore usually better. And anyone who accuses you of being reserved with your number says more about themselves than about you.

The first few minutes

Twenty minutes is a good measure for the first phone call. Long enough for a conversation to develop, short enough that no one feels obligated. For comparison: In Kumar and Epley’s study, calls averaged just over seventeen minutes.

• Find a quiet place. Background noise makes conversations more strenuous than you might think, and that applies both ways.
• Expect a bumpy first minute. Almost everyone has one. It says nothing about the rest.
• Ask and answer in turns. This is not a rule of politeness, but the most effective part of a get-to-know-you conversation.
• End it while it’s still pleasant. “I have an appointment soon, but that was nice” is a good closing.

What you know afterward

After twenty minutes on the phone, you know things that fifty messages won’t reveal: whether you can laugh together. Whether someone listens or waits for their next opportunity. Whether discrepancies with profile information are noticeable. Whether you look forward to a meeting or rather hang up relieved.

This last piece of information is the most valuable. It may save you an evening you would politely endure.

If someone doesn’t want to call

Here, a distinction often missing in guides is worthwhile. There are harmless reasons: Some people have hearing difficulties and struggle on the phone, others are simply insecure on the phone or work shifts. In such cases, a suggestion instead of suspicion helps, such as a video call or a few voice messages.

It becomes suspicious if every appointment falls through for weeks, if excuses are always technical in nature, or if at the same time, there’s pressure to move to a private channel outside the platform. This combination is among the patterns we described in the article on Romance Scam.

Safety First

A phone call does not replace caution; it complements it. For the first in-person meeting, what we described in the article about safe first meetings still applies: public place, own travel, someone knows about it. And regardless of how friendly someone sounds on the phone: money has no place in getting to know someone.

Conclusion: hearing once says more than reading twice

Those who delay calling almost always do so for a reason that research proves unfounded: the fear that it might be awkward. It is generally not awkward. It doesn’t take longer than messaging. And in twenty minutes, it answers questions that two weeks of chat would struggle with.

We have described here how to craft a good first message that leads to this point.

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